User talk:Master Sima Yi/Sandbox/Timeline

Two things

I hope people read this, as this may be glanced over easily in the activity feed. Nonetheless, I want to use this page to discuss any changes that could be made to the Timeline article, or if anyone spots any grammar errors I might have glanced over.

Firstly, two things: should we use all the non-AC related events that Initiates featured in their C.TAG sequences and 'currently' on the Modern Times section? Secondly, I want to explain the reason why I am using the MDY year format for specific dates. Simply, it's easier to look through when searching for specific dates, and it's a bit inconsistent if I'd go for the DMY format when there's quite a few events for which we don't know the day. -- Master Sima Yi _Talk 09:09, July 23, 2014 (UTC)

Probably not, that kind of trivia can be left to the 'On this day' project, although keep in mind some things (like the Wars of Spanish and Austrian succession) are often more relevant than they seem, like all the DNA-related history ACI used to post. --Alientraveller (talk) 11:17, July 23, 2014 (UTC)

Btw, Initiates has dated Alexander the Great's death at 13 June, and Qin Shi Huang's death at 10 September.--Bovkaffe (talk) 20:34, October 11, 2014 (UTC)

Also, Xerxes died on 4 August.--Bovkaffe (talk) 21:08, October 11, 2014 (UTC)

The ambush on Monro took place on 10 August 1757, after the siege of Fort William Henry. Kesegowaase and Monro died on 3 November during an attack on Albany.--Bovkaffe (talk) 17:35, January 28, 2015 (UTC)

Grammar 'n stuff

So I've read through the current version and have some suggestions for "improvement". Be warned, some of it probably verges into nitpicking, though I do make all these suggestions with the idea of improving clarity.

• I've noticed you don't capitalize "Hidden Blade", Sima, even though it's written that way in the article. Might want to change that, for consistency's sake.
• 1991 - Robert de Sable should probably be linked, though I assume the reason that he isn't linked is that the events of AC I have not yet been added.
• 1204: July 12 - Grammatical error; change "was force to retreat" into "was forced to retreat".
• 1258: January 1 - I would recommend changing "started founding" to "began establishing" or something. While I know 'founding' is not incorrect, it still sounds a tad weird.
• 1321 - I would recommend moving "while trying to bring Altaïr's Codex to Spain" to the front of the sentence, so it is not so far removed from its antecedent.
• 1431: May 30 - I would recommend changing the sentence into the following: "Jeanne d'Arc was burned at the stake by the English, an act that was orchestrated by the Templars to obtain the Sword of Eden she had in her possession."
• 1453: May 29 - I would recommend changing "aided by an Apple of Eden" into "with the aid/help of an Apple of Eden".
• 1478: April 26 - "Lorenzo was saved and brought to safety by Ezio Auditore da Firenze, after spying on the conspirators' meeting with aid from La Volpe." There's some confusion regarding who did what in the latter part of the sentence; as it is now, the sentence implies it was Lorenzo who spied on the conspirators' meeting. I recommend changing it to "Ezio Auditore da Firenze, who had spied on the conspirators' meeting with aid from La Volpe."
• 1481: March 3 - I would recommend moving "with aid from Caterina Sforza" to the front of the sentence, cause right now, it sort of awkwardly stands between the antecedent "Venice" and "where".
• 1487: June 16 - I would recommend changing "The army gathered under Lambert Simnel" to the "The army of Lambert Simnel".
• 1488: July 7 - I would recommend adding a "had": "after its ruler Caterina Sforza had hired the Orsi brothers".
• 1495: February 25 - Similar situation to that of "1481", "in Capua, Italy" is jammed in between your antecent and your relative clause. While I'm not sure if it's actually grammatically wrong, it looks awkward. I'd recommend either moving "in Capua, Italy" in front of "by the Assassins". Another option is to rewrite entirely: "Believing the Borgia were planning to use Prince Cem to conquer Constantinople, the Assassins killed Cem in Capua, Italy."
• 1498: May 23 - I would recommend changing "while being killed at the stake" to "while being burned at the stake".
• 1499: December 28 - for the first paragraphy, I would recommend specifying "Pope Alexander VI was defeated by the Assassin Ezio Auditore da Firenze in combat" to "Pope Alexander VI was defeated by the Assassin Ezio Auditore da Firenze in a fistfight/brawl" or something like that. For the second paragraph, I would recommend moving "after opening the vault doors using his Apple of Eden and the Papal Staff" to the front of the sentence.
• 1500: January 2 - Grammatical error; change "severaly wounded" into "severely wounded".
• 1503: August 18 - Grammatical 'error'; change "reckless behaviour" into "reckless behavior".
• 1519: February - I would recommend the following: "including the Assassin Giovanni Borgia, who was posing as "Botello", while on a quest to find a Piece of Eden".
• 1558: November 17 - Grammatical error; change "opression" into "oppression".
• 1713: April 11 - Grammatical error; change "effecitvely" into "effectively".
• 1715: September - Grammatical error; change "for fear" into "for fear that".
• 1716: June - Sentence feels a bit like a run-on. I would recommend the following: "... whom he rewarded with their own ship. Alonzo subsequently used his new vessel to obtain the Wanderer, a schooner."
• 1717: January - I would recommend adding a "had": "...and destroyed Francis Hume's ship, who had been attacking Samuel Bellamy on orders of Laureano de Torres y Ayala."
• 1737: July - Latter part of the sentence feels like a traffic jam of information; I would recommend changing it into this: "Pierre, Marquis de Fayet, the Governor-General of Saint-Domingue, was attacked by the Assassin Adéwalé in Port-au-Prince. Using the Governor's own branding iron, Adéwalé killed de Fayet for his treatment of slaves in the colony."
• 1770: March 5 - Grammatical error; change "the Boston Massacre occured" to "the Boston Massacre occurred".
• 2003: March 13 - I would recommend adding a "had": "to escape the life his parents had chosen for him.
• 2005 - Added a comma that should've been there, I think: "Over time, she grew to resent her old mentor William Miles, believing the tasks for the Assassins to be inhumane, and joined the Templar Order."
• 2010: April 20 - I would recommend the following: "BP cleaned up the oil, which was worth billions of dollars.
• 2012: September 2 - Grammatical error; change "laboratoy of the Abstergo Campus" into "laboratory of the Abstergo Campus".
• 2012: September 8 - I would recommend the following: "Desmond Miles and Lucy Stillman escaped the Abstergo Campus in Rome, which was staged by Warren Vidic".
• 2013: October - Grammatical error; change "employeeJot Soora" into "employee Jot Soora". Also, I'd recommend changing "secretly to extract the genetic memories of its users." into "secretly, it extracted the genetic memories of its users". Crook ^{The Constantine District} 11:27, August 9, 2014 (UTC)

I'll apply these when I read through it after I have all information up so I can fix errors in one go. -- Master Sima Yi _Talk 11:44, August 9, 2014 (UTC)